Pastoring Men

An Open Letter to Laymen from a Pastor

The following letter may very well express the heart passion of many pastors.
It can help pastors and church leaders better understand each others perspective
on effective men's ministry. Though it’s fictitious, the letter is based on
conversations  with hundreds of pastors over the past twenty years. It may very
well represent their desire—and yours— to help men become disciples, as well as
the frustration in pursuing that goal. Hopefully, this letter will equip you in
developing concepts and strategies you need to more effectively disciple every
man in your church.
_________________________________________________________________

Dear Laymen,

I would like to get some things off my chest. Since I could never say
these things to my own men (and survive), I will say them to you. I offer
these thoughts humbly.

Frankly, I get nervous when some of my men get all excited and start
talking men’s movement lingo like father wound, masculinity, etc.
What usually happens is that the least respected men in the church—
the ones who talk about Jesus all the time but struggle to keep a job—
“take over” the men’s ministry. No one would follow them on a bet—I
know I wouldn’t want to be in a small group they led.

So, honestly, it’s just easier for me to let them do what they want. I
want to help them, but in my heart I don’t really think they have what
it takes, and they will eventually peter out and I’ll be back to zero—or
worse. Don’t get me wrong. I love them. And I have faith that God has
good plans for them. But, at least at this point, they need to be the ministerees,
not the ministers.

What I Can Get Behind

I’ll tell you what I can get behind. I can get behind a disciple-making plan
that men I respect are personally involved with.

Let me tell you a secret. If you really want to get me involved, here’s what
you would do. You would find between six and twelve of the most respected
men in the church—normal guys. Invite them to a meeting to explore and
pray about reaching more men for Christ. Give me a heads up before this
exploratory meeting, so I’m not feeling blindsided. Don’t try to take it too
fast. Pray a lot. Don’t be afraid to ask men for a big commitment.

Once you have some men willing to make a go of it, then come see
me. Please. When you do come see me, don't act like you're the first ones
who ever thought of reaching the men in our church. I've beaten my head
against that wall for years trying to get men more involved.

How to Win Me Over

Give me space—and time—to process how it would work. Don't try
to "close" me right away. Everyone thinks if they just lean on me hard
enough then their program can go. Show me some stats, build the case,
why should I add to, change, or tweak my existing focus?

Ask me how ministry to men can help me. Find out what I think are
the problems our men face as husbands, fathers, workers, churchmen, and
men in general. I pick up quite a lot, you know, in the course of a day.

And come see me before you have the whole concept designed—I will
need to make sure the plans mesh with our vision and other church ministries.
Besides, I probably can make a unique contribution as the pastor.

We can meet and discuss why we need to reach men, how men in our
church are doing, what kind of men we want to produce, what will constitute
success for us, and how we will measure progress.

Make it easy for me to support a ministry to our men. Talk about getting
men into small groups to study the Bible. Talk about helping men
understand the gospel. Talk about how we can build men up as godly men
for the home, church, workplace, and community. Talk about integrating
men into the existing ministries of the church. And not just some of our
men, but all of them!

Don’t talk about adding a bunch of new programming like retreats,
seminars, etc. First things first. Let’s see how you can help make the ministries
we’re already committed to work.

Prologue: An Open Letter to Laymen from a Pastor

Just So You Know what I'm up against

Like you, I want to serve God and have a successful ministry. I got into
this field because I sensed a calling from God to make a difference for the
gospel of Jesus.

The other day someone asked, “Why don’t you care about the men in
our church?” Why would they think that? It hurts when people question
my motives.

I work hard to be an effective leader. The demands are unbelievably
diverse—and they excite me. I love the variety of public communication,
private counseling, leading a staff, inspiring volunteers, administrating
an organization, marriages, baptisms, funerals, committee meetings, and
more.
Here’s what I see happening when it comes to men’s ministries: A man
brings me an idea, but often acts like I had nothing else to do but drop
everything and embrace his idea . . . an idea he did not do a very good job
researching, explaining, or finding others to support. He has no plan. In
fact, what he really wants is to dump the whole idea in my lap and be done
with it. He thinks I’m the professional so it’s my job. Are you surprised
that a pastor would speak so bluntly? Don’t be. We’re human too, and we
all feel this way sometimes.

You have no idea how many people let me down. Hey, I’m not feeling
sorry for myself, and I’m certainly not angry. Indeed, I thank God for
those people who, when they tell me they will get something done, I can
bank it. But often I have not found people to be very dependable. It’s as
though their word to the church is the first thing that gets cut. Even that
wouldn’t bother me so much if they would just tell me. As it is, most of
the nonperformers don’t tell me until the day they were supposed to be
finished.

Nevertheless , I want to build a growing church

So please keep me in your prayers. Think the best of my motives. Help me
see that you are really serious about reaching our men. Show me that you
don’t merely want to start something, and then dump it in my lap.

And by the way, you will have more clout with me if I see that you have
a track record of actually ministering to men yourself.

So I’m excited about what we could do together that we could never
do alone. I am eager to partner with you to grow Christ’s church. When
can we get together?

Warmly in Christ,
Your Pastor